During the past couple of months, I’ve come to analyze quietly in the undercurrents of my soul those things which are
Money, being tight and tighter, and my heart and mind stretched full past what I thought was possible to live in faith, I live.
Yes, this here is the necessary tending of my soul.
If we had “enough” would I have ever walked this path with the brambles of fear, the fallen oaks of worry, and the dark eyes of doubt peering from darkened shadows?
A mentor and friend of my husband has told him this:
“Do not dig up in doubt what you once planted in faith.”
Sometimes the line between something being a necessity and a want/desire is very cloudy. I feel badly spending money (I’m more of a saver) on things that are necessities, and my husband brings me back to reality. “Don’t feel bad spending money on that if you need it…”
I now wonder over the necessary things my “soul needs”.
- Spiritual food and drink which have been sorely missing from my everyday.
- Good friends to remind me of good, beautiful, deep treasures of life and truth. They show me treasures they’ve mined themselves, and I want to dig some up too.
- A community of people who realize that there is a greater purpose than self.
- Goals for ministry now and in the future.
These are just a few of the things I have found to be necessary. Necessary defined as…something on which someone is dependent.
All of these things are just little rootlets that lead back to the larger, main root that is Him.
I walk out to my yard, the sun beams food growing power on the smallish plants that I’m wanting to thrive.
Bell peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes. I want them to LIVE.
I water with my plastic watering can, and wait for the tiny flowers to grow into little fruits to grow into bigger juicier vegetables. Water. Sun. Soil. These things my plants NEED. They need them in order to spread roots out to receive nourishment. They need them in order to grow.
What of the things I need more of? Peace, courage, faithfulness, loyalty, long-suffering, self-less giving.
What of these fruits of the Spirit? They are lovingly sown as my Maker digs in rich soil He’s tilled through pain and struggle. Spade digging a hole out of dark earth so that a smaller plant can be transitioned into bigger soil with more room to grow and change. The digging wrenches out what I once knew of myself, and what I once thought so steadfast and immovable in the hardened dirt. The plant needs room to spread out, to be it’s truest self. The self the Gardener and Creator intended it to be.
He uses the community, the friends, the goals, the plans, the deep workings even when I’m not aware. He uses them to show me my neediness…my steps away from and toward Him.
And I get a deep drenching of His love when I realize that it’s been Him. HIM all along that I’ve needed. HIM that all my neediness has been yearning, aching, working itself into snarls of worries without. Of Him I’m needy. For Him I am grateful.
Though my heart battles for more security, I realize that peace, courage, and faithfulness cannot be purchased or guaranteed by the world and It’s system of clamoring and “jockeying for position” (as A.W. Tozer would say).
I need more of Him…this watering and sun on my soul…this Word of Life and listening to the Spirit through prayer. I need more time talking to and with Him, processing all the crazy-making that gets tied up in my soul.
Only He can work out my tangles.