In around 6 weeks I’m going to learn a new definition of this word.
As I stretch my writing “legs” and open my mind back to the words I’ve written here before, I sit, looking back on who I’ve been, and who I’m rediscovering.
Dan and I have been married months and months now and we see the one year mark coming our way. In that amount of time, we have battled deep, dark depths of depression, pain, nights praying through fears and deep valleys of sin. During this time, I’ve felt like the person I knew of myself slipped somewhere, like when some article of clothing slips behind a piece of furniture, only to be discovered many months later. Where was teh me who dreamed dreams, lived deep thoughts and pondered things…Gone? Missing?
Marriage didn’t do this to me. Honestly, I don’t know what happened. I’d like to blanketly blame hormones and all of the crazy transition that has melted into our days. It has probably been a combination of spiritual attack, my flesh, and hormones.
We drove from NY to IN across snowy landscapes to celebrate with another half of family, I started to feel more like myself…not perfect (I’ll never be that), but more like ME. Refreshing breezes in my soul that has felt starved or at least, very hungry.
In June we found out we are expecting our first child (our boy!). Following the path of faith, Dan and I have put this parenting journey in God’s hands, and now continue to try to walk this path of faith, not fear. Motherhood stands only 6 weeks in front of me as I sit with laptop on legs, and reaching around my belly.
During the summer the orthopedic company decided they wanted to hire me full time direct instead of as a vendor through the temp agency. I made them aware of our upcoming arrival, and they were good with hiring me knowing that Dan and I had decided that I would leave full time work and stay home to be Momma. My last day was the Friday before Christmas. It was a weird feeling to leave, but also relieving.
So now the month of January is full of possibility learning, preparing, wondering, hoping, expectation, and battling anxiety with praise and faith. Dan and I decided to leave work early so that I could spend some time regrouping for this new phase, this new transition.
Transition (to my limited current knowledge) is the time during labor that you move to the last stage…the most painful, yet rewarding stage. I wonder if this next several months will hold the same pain and reward.
We are walking by faith. Finances, life in the future, and becoming parents are things that are new adventures for us. We are still sinners and are still learning to love and forgive and draw close to one another. I can say that my husband has walked the dark corridors of my soul with me, and has borne the weight of heaviness with me. He has taken me back to Jesus, and has prayed so lovingly over me. Gratitude fills my words, but I run short on vocabulary for him. God has used him mightily in these 10ish months.
Here we go, on a new ride of loving, living, and breathing in grace.