I’m “ready” to hear back from people. I’m “ready” to get some sort of response from employers who have received my cover letter and resume. At least, I think I am “ready.” This is apparently not something I “need” to know. God knows what I need. He is able to come through, change circumstances, turn things around on a dime.
I’ve seen it happen in the lives of others. I’ve seen the elation of knowing next steps, “new pieces of sidewalk” to step out on. I’ve seen His power at work in me, and how by the Spirit and grace, I’ve been able to rejoice with those who rejoice. Happy joy for people who are my sisters, friends, fellow travelers on this road.
A few days ago I was feeling pretty down. Nostalgia and sadness over the circumstances I’ll be leaving in the next few days deepens. I’ll be setting off on a ship (rather, car) from this shore off to a new one. I may well be traveling, journeying home.
Home is a new place filled with people who are family. I’ve blown in and out of that place with friends for weekends we had free to spare. It was glorious. Precious. If no job emerges between now and 10 days from now that requires me to immediately start work, I’ll be headed home with all that I’ve simplified in belongings.
And remarkably, this grace for today is that I have peace about that. I have peace about going to that house for a time and resting these legs there. I wasn’t ok with that for a while. I didn’t want to go home. This was simply because, I want to become stagnate. I didn’t want to be stuck. I still don’t want to be stuck.
But “stuck” isn’t equated with home now. My parents have been very gracious and are excited for me to come home. They’ve been super encouraging as I’ve tried to find a job, and have encouraged me that coming home is ok. They know I won’t be around forever (at least in my plans).
This feeling of contentedness is this: I know and trust that God is doing what is best for me. He is doing what is best for Dan. He is doing what is best for my family. Somehow God is doing what is best for all of us at the same time! Wow. That’s incredible.
In the past several months I’ve been through the thrills and disappointments of desperate job searching, checking my email for replies to job applications multiple times a day, and praying for perspective and hope that goes beyond a job offer.
I’ve had my identity re-set, realizing that when I give an answer to someone, anyone about what “the next step is.” I don’t have to take that as an assault on my identity. My worth and value as a person is not wrapped up in finding a job. My worth is in Christ Jesus who calls me His own (oh how the blog name meaning rolls through my life again!). I belong to Him.
He is good, I’m redeemed, and that is all that matters. Whether I am at home, or away, He is good. He is with me. May He be glorified. It may be painful, sad, and very scary and frustrating. But regardless, I’m willing to suffer. That is where the peace comes from. I’m so thankful for this love from Him that is meeting me right here.