Hello blogging friends.
I’m back, and taking just a few of the moments this evening at home in Indy to blog while I have internet access. My heart is rather content to pour out some words here, sitting on the blue couch with tan trim next to my Dearest Daniel while my sister and mom watch Psych on television.
I’ve felt like an observer of my life in some ways, watching and trying to pick up as much as I can as life has changed at a rather hectic pace. If my memory serves me correctly,it was two weeks or so after getting engaged, that a company I’d interviewed with at least a month prior called me to (basically) offer me a job (through a temp company). I happened to be right in the middle of trying on wedding dresses at the time. That call was part of the waterfall of change that has occurred over the past few months.
August: engagement, getting hired, finding an apartment within a week in my the college town I’ve now lived in every autumn since 2008, moving out of my parent’s house, living on my own. climbing a STEEP learning curve at the new job.
September – October: Getting in rhythm, working 8 to 5 everyday, lunch break with Dearest until his shift changed to the same as mine, cooler weather and less sweat happening in my apartment. Wedding prep in swing, and visits to my parents house, job got a bit easier. Dan and I celebrate 1 year of being in relationship (and it’s various states) :)
November: We make two trips to Ft Wayne (or was that partially in October too?). I can’t remember. More wedding prep occurred on weekends to visit family. I was in a car accident about one block from my house and met the people from the UK that we communicate with at work on a fairly regular basis. We decide on a church home, hear about future ministry opportunities overseas from various people, and my car still survives (thanks to the Lord!). I rumble along through various life rhythms. The most consistent rhythm being: work, exercise, Dan time/friend time sleep. (And, did I mention that some consistent spiritual warfare has intermingled with all of this?)
I don’t have too many words to express what’s been going on internally over the past few months. Stuff, thoughts, feelings joggle around inside and bump into one another confused. When they do make their way to my mouth, often they sound more confused than boggled internally. I have my moments of clear revelation regarding my heart, the lies I’ve been believing, and what I want to do, how I want to live instead of in those lies. Courage, peace, hope, deep nuanced gladness and… well, alive-ness.
I want to savor life, breathe deeply (instead of shallowly while bracing myself in fear). I want to appreciate the nuances that is the old me, and the resurrection of the new me through the royal blood of Jesus by believing the love of Him my Beloved, and by loving Him by deeper, “more real “ways. I’m seeing that it takes courage not to live a life that’s based on fear. I want to live confidently as myself because I’m loved…
But, the creative part of my heart has been lacking, almost aching.
Perhaps I’ve been a little depressed, a little weary, a bit anxious, a usual amount of fearful and a LOT exhausted. Fearful living is exhausting. Performing life is exhausting. I don’t have energy to explore creativity most of the time (maybe, perhaps excepting weekends). Maybe the tiredness is from realizing the deeper throbbing issues I’ve had down in my soul, issues that need to be redeemed, healed, re-made by Jesus.
There are moments when I see my heart raise it’s head in inspiration. Yet I’ve wondered if that part of me has died, or at very least, gone to sleep or become numbed.
Numbed, perhaps by change? Or new phases of adulthood? I’m ready for it to come back, ready for inspiration to strike again. I wonder if it is more sporadic time in the Word, or rushed time in the Word, or a heart that feels cramped by constrictive everyday rhythm.
Maybe I just haven’t realized how tied my spiritual life is to my creative life. When one suffers, all of me breaks down.
Maybe I didn’t believe that before.
Maybe I didn’t’ believe that I was a whole person, not segmented parts.
I want to break out of this rut, but I also realize that patterned living is part of adult-hood.
And now, content, I sit here eating the cookies and cream ice cream with Oreos that Mom very kindly served up (and I try not to give into the deeper body image insecurities I’ve seen I have since I’ve lost weight and gotten healthier and stronger over the past year). Jesus loves me, even though He’s got a lot of stuff to raise up from a grave-tending existence and expectations I’ve laid down in desperate submission.
(Also note, that Dan gave me an excited high five when he saw me blogging. Yeah, that’s how little I’ve been my creative self lately).
And so, I’m now back in the blogging hemisphere (though hoping that the creative thread in me will heal and surface more in the future.)
Here I am, Lord, waiting for a new spark of life and power to live who You made me to be for Your glory, Your enjoyment, Your delight.